Jerry Scyther
by Ffenics
Summary: "Okay, everyone on the talkshow to sort out your problems! Hey! ASH! MISTY! PSYDUCK! TEAM ROCKET! GET ON THE AIR!"


Clare @ [http://arise.to/thelostpoketemple][1]

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1. This is just a rehash of other fanfic/shipping ideas. Live with it. 

2. I know its overlong and it makes no sense. This too, you will have to deal with. 

3. I don't own Pokemon. You'd have to be stupid to think I own Pokemon from this. Jerry Springer too, is, as far as I know, his own person. So nyah! 

**THE JERRY SCYTHER SHOW**

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JERRY: Hello, and welcome to our special program, "When Pokemon go perverted!" Todays first guest is Psyduck! Welcome Psyduck! Whats your story? 

PSYDUCK: Psy. 

JERRY: I see, so you say your trainer beats you and emotionally undervalues you and you've thought of committing suicide on more than one occaison due to your underdeveloped self confidence? 

PSYDUCK: Duck. 

JERRY: Well I think we should ask her about this! Please welcome MISTY!!!! 

MISTY walks on to mixed BOOING and calling of NAMES 

JERRY: Now Psyduck, I understand there's something you'd like to do to demonstrate the emotional damage Misty has caused you? 

PSYDUCK: Psy-yai-yaii! 

PSYDUCK hits MISTY with a large MALLET and the AUDIENCE stand up, baying for BLOOD. MISTY tackles PSYDUCK and they FALL TO THE FLOOR. 

JIGGLYPUFF runs on stage in a JERRY SCYTHER SECURITY SHIRT, separating MISTY AND PSYDUCK. PSYDUCK has pulled out CLUMPS of MISTY'S HAIR and MISTY'S HEAD has done that weird 80% of her BODY SIZE thing. 

AUDIENCE: Jiggly! Jiggly! Jiggly! 

MISTY: You doofy Pokemon! You don't understand! I... I... Have a lot of emotional problems right now. I've been following this boy for about eight months now and... 

JERRY: You've been stalking someone Misty? 

MISTY: No! I... he wants me to follow him! HE OWES ME A NEW BIKE! 

JERRY: Misty. you have to unburden yourself to heal. 

MISTY: Well, maybe I have a few voyeuristic tendencies. But I'm not like Tracy! Anyway, one night I found myself singing a really badly written song to him, about wanting to tell him how I'm feeling, and now I just feel so frustrated and lustful I...ARGGGGH!!!! 

MISTY boots PSYDUCK off the STAGE, JIGGLYPUFF runs back on to RESTRAIN her. Their CHAIRS are moved APART and JIGGLYPUFF sits between them. 

AUDIENCE: Jiggly! Jiggly! Jiggly! 

JERRY: Quiet! Quiet! I see where the problem is. And I understand you'd like to tell this "someone" all this today? 

MISTY: Um, yes. 

JERRY: All right! Then come on out Ash! And remember folks, Ash has no idea why Misty has brought him to the studio today! 

ASH walks on. AUDIENCE CHEER and give him pitying DEATH ROW looks. 

MISTY: Ash, I have something to tell you. 

ASH: (gulping) Um. All right. 

MISTY: You know despite the fact Misty's Song doesn't even exist in Japan, and that twerpshippers are probably the most deluded people on the planet, I er, rather fancy you. 

JERRY: Ash, you okay there? You're looking a little like a magikarp! 

AUDIENCE: ha! Ha! 

JERRY SMIRKS- I mean SMILES 

ASH: Magikarp! Magikarp! I mean...I er.... Misty, you're very nice in a freakishly ugly and homicidally violent kinda way, but there's someone else. 

MISTY: (doing the VEIN THING) Oh, I see. And who is this slut-I mean someone. 

JERRY: Well, lets find out! 

GARY enters. Everyone CHEERS because he has a nicer BUM than MISTY. ASH and GARY KISS, and move their CHAIRS CLOSER TOGETHER. JIGGLYPUFF stands by to restrain MISTY 

MISTY: (picking up PSYDUCK and beating GARY round the HEAD with it) WHY YOU LITTLE beeping noise I OUGHTTA beeping noise THEN beeping noise AND PUSH IT UP YOUR beeping noise beeping noise beeping noise WITH A PIKACHU! 

Cue VIOLENT FIGHT, hair PULLING, bitch SLAPPING, and RESTRAINING by JIGGLYPUFF but only after they've been FIGHTING long enough to ensure VIEWERS stay tuned to this CRAP 

AUDIENCE: WOOO! JERRY! JERRY! JIGGLY! JERRY! 

ASH: Misty! I'm sorry! I only like men! 

GARY: (BRUISED, Patting ASH'S knee) You're just not man enough for Ashy boy... 

MISTY: Well that's where you're wrong! My real name is Malcolm and I was born a male! 

BROCK: (leaning out from the WINGS) I *knew* there was some reason I didn't want to have her! 

MALCOLM: Why you little!!!!!! ARRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!! 

FIGHTING ERUPTS AGAIN. In the confusion MISTY is SADLY HIT WITH A CHAIR, develops MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMORRAGING is taken to the POKECENTER but DIES. The AUDIENCE goes WILD and nearly has to be HOSPITALISED themselves. 

JERRY: Well I'm glad we sorted that out! Join us after the break for this young couple! 

CUT to footage of JESSIE and JAMES looking emotional. 

BREAK: 

Q: Who's that freakazoid!??!!??!!! 

A: It's THE MAN WHO MARRIED HIS HORSE! 

MAN: Hi ho, silver! 

END BREAK 

JERRY: We are joined in the studio by Jessie! 

Mild APPLAUSE 

JESSIE Tugs her SHIRT to reveal more CLEAVAGE 

Wild APPLAUSE 

JERRY: We understand you have a secret to tell someone, don't you Jessie? 

JESSIE: That's right! 

MEOWTH: (leaning out from the WINGS) That's my line! 

JERRY: So what is it you want to do? 

JESSIE: Well Jerry, to protect my heart from devastation, I wish to unite myself with my teammate sensation. But first I have to pronounce the fact of my true love and yell my secret to the stars above. 

JERRY: Uh..... Okay! Remove James' blindfold and bring him out! 

JESSIE: Ooooh! You can leave the blindfold on! We can use it later... 

JAMES walks out to SILENCE because the entire AUDIENCE has FAINTED in LUST. He is wearing JENNIFER LOPEZ'S GRAMMY DRESS. 

JERRY: So, James, does Jessie know you're a transvestite? 

JAMES: Oooohoohoo yes! Who do you think is my fashion consultant! 

JERRY: So her clothing you in feminine outfits while stealing your clothes doesn't bother you? 

JAMES: Not at all! I like her to wear the pants! Or even...*No* pants... Ooohooohooho! 

JESSIE: James. There is something I have to tell you.... you know how we're always tragically inept at catching Pikachu and the other Pokemon and never manage it and are always getting blasted off in "comedy" fashion? 

JAMES: We are? 

JESSIE: Yes...well...the reason why is that...I'm not a trained master criminal, James. I'm an better known as Cassie Colossal Cups, exotic dancer at the Celadon Casino. 

JAMES: You're a stripper? 

JIGGLYPUFF tenses and prepares to SPRING. 

JESSIE: Yes...Oh Jim! (BREAKS DOWN, Is handed a TISSUE by JERRY to prove he's a NICE GUY and CARES and all that CRAP) Can you forgive me!!!?? 

JAMES: But Jess! I'm a stripper too! I'm Vivi Va Va Voom of Viridian City! 

JESSIE: Oh James! Lets go into business together 

JAMES: Ooohoohoo! Lets! 

JESSIE: To protect the world from fear and loathing 

JAMES: We display our bodies without clothing 

JESSIE: We dance, we groove, we sing a song 

JAMES: Whilst wearing nothing but a thong 

JESSIE: CASSIE! 

JAMES: VIVI! 

JESSIE: Butt naked we get at the speed of light! 

JAMES: Only 50 dollars admission and there's drinks all night! 

AUDIENCE: We'll go there now, all right! 

JESSIE and JAMES tear off their CLOTHES and run OFFSTAGE. Most of the AUDIENCE FOLLOW. 

JERRY: Right! Well! Before we er, join them, we have one more guest! WELCOME TRACY! 

The part of the AUDIENCE that hasn't left to see the NEKKID SHOW quickly and quietly ARM THEMSELVES WITH STAKES AND HOLY WATER. 

TRACY: I like to watch pokemon. 

JERRY: Watch them, Tracy? 

TRACY: Yes. I watch them frolicking in Viridian forest. Or taking out the garbage. Or in the shower. I draw them too. And they never know I'm there...It...Excites me... 

TRACY'S TROUSER AREA has been BLURRED OUT at this point. 

TRACY: I have my own Pokemon, Venonat. It's almost as creepy as I am. And then I have Marril. It's into Water Sports. 

JERRY: Don't you mean a water pokemon? 

TRACY: Whatever. Anyway, I'm here as a last ditch attempt to convince Professor Oak to take my virginity. 

JERRY: Well, come on out Professor Oak! 

OAK: Come out? What's that supposed to mean? I'm not gay - 

TRACY: You're not? Curses! All those wasted fantasies.... 

OAK: No! I'm screwing Mrs. Ketchum! In fact... Ash! I am your father! 

ASH AND GARY look at one another 

ASH: But that means... 

GARY: I'm sleeping with my half-uncle??? 

TRACY: Oh well. Looks like I'll just have to force myself on Venonat again. 

JERRY: And now we're going to meet another man who claims to be little Ash's daddy! We have him on the satellite linkup I believe? 

GIOVANNI: Hello. I am unable to attend as I am currently at the opening of J&J's Blasting Off Strip Club. I have one thing to say: Ashton, I am your father. 

ASH: No way! That makes even less sense! 

GIOVANNI: Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Join the dark side! 

OAK: Why you lying beeping noise! She wouldn't touch you with a long stick! 

JERRY: Well, you think we should bring Mrs. Ketchum out to sort all this out? 

AUDIENCE: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! WOOOO!!! 

Enter MRS. KETCHUM 

ASH: Mom! You're a ho! 

MRS KETCHUM: I... 

ASH: (Gestures) Talk to the hand! 

MRS. KETCHUM: Quiet Ashton! Now Oak, I'm afraid you're not my boy's father. 

GARY and ASH are visibly relieved 

GIOVANNI: Ha! 

MRS. KETCHUM: And neither are you! 

GIOVANNI: Ah well. At least I can have him killed with a clear conscience now. 

ASH: So who did get you knocked up then Mom? 

MRS KETCHUM: Well, I know this'll come as a shock to you, but your father is.... 

A DOOR opens CENTER STAGE. FRAMED in it, we see 

MR MIME: Mr. Mime! 

OAK: Why... you little bitch! All the time you were screwing a mime? 

ASH: MOM! You slut! Nooo! 

JIGGLYPUFF: Jiggly! Jigglypuff! 

Entire show DEGENERATES into a BITCH SLAPPING frenzy. AUDIENCE members that haven't gone to TEAM ROCKET'S STRIP CLUB drop dead of heart attacks in the "excitement" 

JERRY: (Sitting on a chair for SCYTHER'S FINAL THOUGHT) I think we've learned today that watching too much Pokemon and trying to write "comedy" fanfiction will surely be the downfall of society. That Ash's mom is a slut, that Misty is a transsexual, that Tracy should be locked up for the good of society, that Professor Oak is NOT GAY IN ANY WAY, NO SIRREE! and that Mr. Mime is a stupid pokemon, because among other reasons mimes are silent and dress in black and white, whereas you can't shut that colorful bastard up. So, take care of yourself. Annnd each other! 

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   [1]: http://arise.to/thelostpoketemple



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